Cheer Up Sleeeeepy Dean!

As I write this, it’s currently 4:28am, which means that I’m either having another MacBook-bumming session, or that I can’t sleep. It’s actually both. I do occasionally suffer from insomnia, and end up in some awakened nightmare where it really is just impossible to sleep. When I want to smack my head against the wall until I pass out, and hope that qualifies as actual sleep. Enough of the negatives though, this blog is all about the positives of insomnia. So to quote 90’s favourite ‘Keenan and Kel’; “Awww, here it goes!”

Your Normal Day, But Longer

You can sleep when you’re dead right?

It’s one of the main positives of staying up all the time, you see more of life than you would do if you had to sleep. I mean, let’s face it, think of all the extra things you can see and do without sleep! You can...visit 24 hour supermarkets! Yeah, bet that never crossed your mind. Coursework deadline tomorrow? There’s no such thing as a deadline when you have 8/9 hours headstart on everyone who decided “Oh, I’m feeling a little tired, I think I’ll have an ikkle rest...” so you can walk into school next day with a much better excuse for why you haven’t done your coursework than everyone else!

Never Get Old

How can you age when days don’t apply to you?

With insomnia, there’s no such thing as tomorrow, as all the days melt into one glorious day. Every day is Montuewednesthurfrisatsunday! The greatest day of the year. Hell, the ONLY day of the year! Just think, it’s no sleeps until Christmas, and it’s only January! Go mental and have all your birthdays at once, just think of how massive the lump sum you get will be. You’ll at least be able to afford, oh I don’t know, the entire planet.

The bad point of this is, you’re 100 already, but look on the bright side, you look at least 80 years younger. When people ask you your secret, you just wink at them and laugh.

Enjoy that wink too, it’s the most sleep you’ll have all year.

Watch EVERYTHING

Picture this, you’re at work or school and someone comes up to you and says:

“Did you see (insert TV programme here) last night? It was brilliant!” and you can only respond with “Nah, I never saw it”

Makes you seem pretty outcast right?

Not with insomnia! Go out and buy the boxset, or watch it on the Internet, and the next day, hey presto! you’ve seen the whole damn series and can blackmail friends to do stuff in return for not ruining the story. You’re now the most popular person ever, that wasn’t so hard was it?

Think Of The Laydeez

Okay, so this is more of a gender specific one (unless you’re batting for Team Lesbian) but remember how lonely you used to get at night because nobody else shares your enthusiasm for staying awake? Problem solved, chat lines:

“Hot women in your local area are just waiting to talk to you”

Why keep them waiting, when they could be with you!

By the time the sun comes up, you’ll have already sorted out 6 women, that’s like one and a half on each limb! Hugh Hefner? more like ‘Who? Hefner’. You’re a God amongst women. Don’t forget, £1.50 an hour is nothing to you after that birthday you just had. Women may be thinking “But what if I’m straight? Who do I get to be with?” Well you get me ladies. You get me.

Notice how all life’s problems have melted away just from not sleeping. You’re now the most popular, knowledgeable, attractive man/woman who owns the planet. You’re welcome, glad I could help you discover the full potential of insomnia. Let’s all go Tesco 24hr together and get some beers in. Drink all you like, we’re not getting hangovers...